Annoying Email

I occasionally receive annoying email at work. Some of the most annoying are the self-congratulatory email distributed by the litigation attorneys in my firm when they achieve a victory at a trial, such as the following (names redacted to protect the innocent and not so innocent):

"As many of you know, Partner and Associate won an impressive and quick victory in a Title VII discrimination jury trial in federal court yesterday. We represented Company X who according to the 63 year old male plaintiff engaged in gender discrimination by firing him and then replaced him with a 38 year old male employee. Plaintiff attempted to convince the jury that the reasons for firing him were pretextual and despite the fact the company hired a male to replace him, it historically had preferred to hired females for the position and thus engaged in gender discrimination. Partner and Associate (who handled the Associate's first witnesses) sliced up that defense in short order and the twelve person jury was back in 45 minutes with a defense verdict. As always, this was a team effort with Paralegal and Administrative Assistant providing valuable assistance. Please join me in congratulating the whole team. We have a very happy client as well."

This got me to thinking about what kind of self-congratulatory email could a patent attorney send out to stroke the patent attorney's ego. Maybe it would be something like this:

Yesterday, the patent office issued a Notice of Allowance for our client's super duper new product. After a hard fought prosecution, we successfully convinced the Examiner about the errors of his ways resulting in the Examiner reversing ground on all rejections. Upon issuance of the patent, our client can send threatening letters to its arch-nemesis and any other company that attempts to knock-off its fantastic product. As always, this was a team effort with the Partner providing oversight, the associate (who handled the Office action responses with brilliance) doing the grunt work, and the paralegal providing invaluable assistance. Please join me in congratulating myself and my teammates. Go team!!!! Of course, the client is ecstatic about this victory and the future possibility of giving us more money when it seeks to enforce its rights.